Day Thirty-Three: Apparently, I'm a Huge Fan of Fences

After having the day from hell yesterday, I sat over a raspberry margarita and mountainous bowl of nine-dollar guacamole across from my boyfriend, rambling on in a long and involved fashion about my life in general. In response, he said something in jest I truly never thought about: "Go ahead, why don't you write some more about being on the fence. You're always on the fence about everything!". So I sat, unblinking, pondering his comment. And he's right -- I am pretty much always on the fence about something. And appropriately enough, that's what I did write about yesterday -- being "on the fence" about my future.

If I went back, I probably would find at least a handful of these thirty-three posts at least slightly touch on the topic of me being unsure about what I want to do with my life, or moving out, or being healthier. Do I ever really commit to anything? It got me thinking about how many situations in life I end up not making true decisions about, but either let fall away and be replaced by another grand idea, or answer themselves. I'm starting to get self-conscious that I have a difficult time making decisions. Okay, so it's probably because I'm afraid of the outcome of my decisions, and it's ten times easier to not make a decision at all so I can't blame myself for misfortune that may fall upon me for making the wrong decision. So essentially, I'm a coward when it comes to figuring out my own life. Great.

Let's take a quick look back at past major life decisions I've made and the reasoning behind them. Number one: I went to college. Why? I went to college because it was the next logical step, and I knew I wouldn't really be able to get anywhere decent in life without some sort of education. Plus, I knew it would be fun. Thirdly, my parents would have killed me if I hadn't. Number two: instead of choosing to study abroad, I moved home and commuted to school for a year. Why? Because I felt like at that time in my life I needed to be closer to my family. I sort of regret that. I missed out on a lot of fun experiences, and it might have been fun to see the world. It was really nice to be in an environment where I could more easily concentrate on school, and I love my family, but if I had to do it over, I'm not sure I would have made the same decision. Number three: I chose to take a job as a proofreader at a company that had no windows, no lights in the parking lot, and night hours, where no one talked and you weren't allowed to receive personal phone calls except through your supervisor. Why? Because I was panicked about being a college graduate without a job. Which brings me to number four: I quit said job after two days and went back to working retail and radio promotions for the next two years. Why? Because it was absolutely horrible, the work conditions were atrocious, and I would have absolutely, no exaggeration, killed myself after a month. That was one of the biggest and best decisions I have ever made.

So what have I learned from this little exercise? The one decision I made that was bold and out of character gave me the greatest gain. I opened myself up to new opportunities, eliminated a life situation that I knew would end up making me absolutely miserable, and made a sacrifice to leave a nice office job to take one job that subjected me to angry rants from immigrants, and another that had terrible hours and unsteady work (although it was pretty damn fun). So, as my boyfriend would agree, it definitely seems time for me to stop being so "on the fence" about things, and start making some actual decisions. I haven't done much of it, but it seemed to turn out okay. Now if I can just stop myself from being on the fence about not being on the fence...

Day Eighteen: What's That? My Name is Written on the Ceiling? I Scoff At You!

I think the time has come to tell a little story about myself, that will potentially put me in serious jeopardy with anyone with a sick sense of humor. Unfortunately, I was born with the almost complete inability to sense when someone is screwing with me. I am, and always have been, extremely, painfully gullible.

The story I always tell to exemplify my extremely gullible nature is a story of my childhood (I was about ten), and one that to this day I still consider with a sense of incredulity that I could actually be as gullible as I was. When I was young, my cousins and I decided to play hide and seek in the dark outside on a warm, dry summer night. My aunt and uncle's property is small, but well-lined with trees, bushes, and old stone fireplace, and a garage in the back corner. So although there weren't many hiding places, the suitable ones were excellent. So as I wandered around looking for my cousins, one older than me by about two years, the other older than me by a week, I heard noises that sounded suspiciously like the cracking of twigs under foot, or the rustle of leaves in the bushes. But no matter where I looked, I couldn't find the source of the noise. A little spooked and confused, I wandered away, to find my other cousin.

Not long later, after the game ended and one cousin was found and her brother gave himself up out of boredom, my uncle entertained us by bringing out a small telescope and pointing it at the moon. "Look!," he suddenly shouted, "there are little green men jumping off the moon! Look look!". So, I looked, but I saw nothing. "I don't see anything," I said. "Look again!". So I looked again. And already still a little spooked from the noises in the bushes, I was already on guard. Then, I heard the noises again, as the leaves on a bush rustled to my left. "They're landing! they're landing over there!", my uncle yelled. So fueled by my gullibility and my unfounded terror regarding all things extra-terrestrial, I ran inside crying. Yup, I believed him. Sure, I was a kid, but I was definitely old enough to know better.

As it turns out, my cousin was throwing M&Ms into the bushes, and it took me about ten minutes to calm me down. Personally, I'm not bitter about it at all, although my mother wasn't (and still isn't) very happy. I think it's a great story. And if anything, it taught me to be a little more cautious when it comes to believing everything someone says. I'm still extremely gullible, but I've trained myself to be ten times better. I only occasionally embarrass myself now, fourteen years later. I'll still momentarily forget and turn around with a swift motion when someone says "Hey, look at that!," and points behind me, only to turn back around and find that my jellybeans are missing, but for the most part I'm not-so-easily fooled.

So, now I realize that I have definitely made myself victim (to at least one person) to being messed with at an increased rate, all because I wanted to do something nice and share a funny story about myself. But guess what? I'm ready for it. I have learned a lot over the years, and I have trained and worked hard to be able to stare at someone dead in the eye with a look of contempt when they tell me my name is written on the ceiling. Sure, I might glance up after they leave, but I like to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt, too.