Day Thirty-Eight: I'm Pretty Sure I'm Slowly Killing Myself

I'm pretty sure I'm slowly killing myself. Every morning, I wake up and my brain turns on. I think about having to get up, I think about having to take a shower, and I think about all the crap I have to do that day. My brain is always going like the Energizer bunny, and sometimes I think so quickly from one thing to the next that I completely forget where I'm going when I'm walking. I'll stride into a room with purpose, only to realize I either walked completely past where I meant to be going and into the room I am currently in, or I'll completely forget why I ventured to where I stand. But strangely, I'm rarely scattered, and often don't forget things, no matter how much is on my mind. Maybe that's why I'm so stressed out all the time. I have a constant running list of crap I have to do and remember.

It doesn't help that I always need to be moving, as well. If I'm not doing something, generally, I will get antsy and bored. So even when I'm relaxing, I feel like I'm wasting time and I'm stressed that I'm not making better use of my time. No wonder I'm in such bad shape.

As a result, my body is constantly tense. My muscles are always tight, I have nervous ticks, and I'm pretty sure my pulse is quick all the time. I've tried desperately to chill out and calm down, but nothing seems to keep me calm and more slowly moving once I stop my relaxation technique. I've tried meditation, reading, candles, consciously telling myself to calm down whenever I remember, watching my breathing, and relaxing my muscles. None of them work. In fact, the only thing that does help is being absolutely exhausted. Then, I'm slow, calm, and serene. However, I'm also working on low fuel. So yes, I'm pretty sure I'm killing myself.

I'm probably going to die of heart failure, purely because I am working my poor heart so much to keep my body moving as fast as my brain, and my brain keeping up with itself. So it's high time I really figure out how to relax myself before I start doing some real damage. Suggestions are most welcome.