Day Four: If Someone Drew Out Your Thought Pattern, Would it Look Like a Jackson Pollock Painting?

If I were to ever commence a brilliant acting career and seem like an interesting enough person, I would probably be asked to appear on Inside the Actor's Studio. While I don't particularly want my future to enfold in this manner, I have often pondered what my answers to that oh-so-famous and posh questionnaire would be. While thoughts regarding my favorite curse word are still stewing, my answer to one question has always been unmistakably clear. "What profession would you not like to try?" James Lipton would ask. And I, in my tasteful and witty glory, would confidently with "teaching".


Although I cannot fathom why people would want to do such a thing, thank God some people find it a fascinating life's endeavor, because otherwise we would all remain stupid from birth. I have a profound respect for anyone who even considers taking it on as a career choice. Why anyone would wish to stand in front of a room full of highly impressionable, easily distracted youngsters who are forced against their will to appear before you for forty-five minutes a day (or more) and attempt to impart any knowledge into their brains is completely beyond my comprehension. Plus, it's my understanding that before kids will learn anything, they have to respect whoever is trying to teach them or they won't be open to anything being said to them, so add that important point to the job, and it's already hard enough. Now consider the cornucopia of free hassles that come along with it, such as angry parents, troublemakers, kids who won't try, and kids who are just as annoying as crap, and that sounds like nine months in hell.


From what I hear, people choose to become teachers because actually making a good impression on students is such a rewarding experience, and I have to believe it must be. But how many bad teachers are there? I have encountered so many more terrible, harsh, or just plain incompetent teachers in my childhood and adolescence than good ones. Based on the idea that all the really good teachers I had were in college, I've concluded that all the horrible teachers I've had were terrible at their jobs not because they couldn't impart knowledge, but because they couldn't handle all the other crap that comes with teaching successfully enough to be able to impart knowledge. College professors have it a lot easier because literally all they have to do is teach.


That is, assuming they can teach.


When I was in college, I worked pretty damn hard. In fact, I worked hard enough to get decent grades. And because I got a B in Pre-Calculus and lots of other people got C's, D's, and F's, my name showed up on the tutoring center's recruitment list. So stupid me, excited to be in a position to help other students and actually have a skilled job for the first time in my life, I signed right up. Let me note, however, that I was also on their list to tutor Freshman and Sophomore English, literature classes, Global Justice, and just about anything else I'd taken that I had gotten a good grade in. After several training sessions and some free Chinese food, I was deemed worthy of imparting my knowledge upon others. I was taught learning styles, procedure, and collaborative learning. I felt ready, but I really, really wasn't.


It is probably worth mentioning that I am absolutely terrible at math. I still count on my fingers, and the only reason I made it through with B's in math in school was because I have a brilliant father who is excellent at grasping abstract concepts like algebra. I was also lucky enough to do just poorly enough on my college entrance exam to place into Pre-Calculus, although I had already taken it my junior year of high school and saved my very excellent notes from class. So this shining B that showed up on my college transcript was not terribly accurate of my algebraic abilities. So, naturally, I was assigned a student who needed tutoring in Pre-Calculus.
 We met the first day outside the library, and she was all smiles, very quiet, and wore extremely bright colors. Unfortunately, she was a very sweet girl, which made me feel even worse about flushing her time down the toilet. We fumbled through our first session easily enough, where I managed to remember fairly simple concepts and gave her problems to do that had the answers in the back of the book. When she got something incorrect, between the two of us we'd manage to figure out how to correct it. It wasn't terrible. But shortly after that things went very steadily downhill. Upon reading a problem that she had for homework one day, I stared at it for a good minute before I looked at her, put down my pencil, and said "listen, I'm going to be honest with you. I am really pretty terrible at math, and I don't remember any of this, so I think the best thing for you to do is to request a different tutor or go to the math lab. I'm really sorry I can't help you.". But the girl only smiled, and we arranged to meet the following week. Gradually, we stopped meeting altogether, and I'm pretty sure she failed math. I also quit tutoring, and went to work in the Writing Center where I actually helped a lot of people. But to be honest, I never felt fully comfortable doing it, and I never felt like I was actually teaching anyone anything.

I would make a really terrible teacher. I have no patience, no eloquence for logic, and most of all, I do not ever think in straight lines. I know enough to realize that there is a sequence to teaching that I will never, ever grasp. So teachers of the world, you're a rare breed. Congratulations on thinking in a way others can understand, and being able to explain it to them. That in itself is pretty admirable to me.